Welcome to my new blog! Tony designed it for me in secret and surprised me with it a few weeks ago.  Seriously, how amazingly awesome is my husband?! I’ve still got some work to do around the site, but I just couldn’t wait to share it with you all.  I am a little nervous to be writing again since it’s been a year, but I can’t just let this beautiful blog sit idle now can I!?  It’s been long enough and you know I’ve got something to say, so let’s get started, ya’ll!

I am 34 weeks pregnant today.  There are days that I look down as my growing belly jumps this way and that way as my little one plays, and I still can’t believe it.  I’m pregnant.  With a baby.  A baby that will soon be making his grand entrance into the world.  It’s amazing, really.

I am a mom.

Our little man isn’t the only thing that has been growing and changing around the Alicea household.  I can honestly say that I am not the person that I was just 8 short months ago.  God and I have been busy.  He has given me so many gifts over this time of transformation and change and I want to share some of them with you in the hopes that you will be encouraged or at least feel understood whether you are pregnant or not.

Much to my chagrin, the first thing that God wanted to work on with me was my intense desire for control. I’m an expert at control.  I am a control ninja.  I’m so good at it that others and even myself don’t know I’m doing it.  Basically, I haven’t wanted Jesus to take the wheel like Carrie Underwood suggests. Heck, I wanted to wrap my entire body around the wheel and cat scratch anyone that tries to get near me. But you see, there is this unavoidable, beautiful, scary thing that happens with pregnancy….you lose control.

At some point in the first trimester as my body and I were adjusting to all the hormones and the new life growing inside me, I reached a point where realized that I am not in control.  Like, at all.  I mean, 2 days after finding out I’m pregnant I find myself crying and laughing at the same time and then 10 minutes later I am fast asleep with half a donut in my mouth.  Out. Of. Control.  I would find myself needing to eat all the time so I don’t get sick and yet all I feel like I could stand to eat is a pretzel sandwich from Sheetz and they don’t have Sheetz in Florida!  For the love of Pete, why aren’t their Sheetz down here!?  I’m still pretty upset about it.

Clearly, I was going to have to face the fact that life was changing quickly and my need to slow it down, stop it, or control it was only going to wear me out.

At the time, this didn’t seem like much of a gift, but after I finally reached out to Him and surrendered, God gently and patiently helped me peel each white knuckled finger of the steering wheel and hand each moment of every day over to Him.  Even though sometimes I still grab for the wheel (I’m just such a good driver, you guys!), I have been able to find so much more rest and freedom in this place of letting go.  That Carrie Underwood was onto something after all.  (I still prefer her song about smashing someone’s headlights in, but it didn’t seem to appropriately fit this particular point I’m trying to make).

Another amazing gift that God gave me was to realize that not only can I trust Him and His voice, but I can trust myself and my body.  I’ve always been in tune with my body, which has come in very handy for navigating the learning curve that comes with pregnancy.  Even for women that have been pregnant before, every pregnancy is as unique as the little life growing inside.  I have had to slow down and pay attention for what my body is telling me it needs and when I do that I am so much better off.  I have been very gentle with myself over these last 8 months.  If I’ve felt like I needed rest, I rested.  I felt like I needed to shop for three days straight to find the right lamp for the babies room, I did it (Nesting…it’s a real thing, ya’ll).  I felt like I need to eat, I ate no matter where I was or what was going on (even if I had to settle for an Auntie Anne’s pretzel instead of a Sheetz pretzel.  Still so upset).

I spent many years of my life working myself into the ground because I had something to prove to myself, others, and I thought, even to God, but God has been working with me on this for awhile now and I am finally at a place where I put my health and the health of my baby before anything else.  Pregnancy is not a disease or illness, but there are times that you genuinely need to slow down and I encourage you mommies out there to do so when you feel it’s right.  Don’t waste even one moment comparing yourself to other women.  You are unique and so is your pregnancy.  Trust yourself and the health care provider of your choosing and don’t worry about the millions of opinions out there.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was really apprehensive about telling anyone.  Not because I was afraid we would lose the baby, but because I was really wanting to avoid the “advice”.  You know what I’m talking about.  That helpful “advice” you get from well-meaning (mostly) folks who want to help “prepare” you for the road ahead, but instead makes you feel like you are being prepared to compete in the Hunger Games or The Running Man (for you 80′s kids out there).  It’s similar to the “advice” we got when we told people we were getting married.  “Have all your fun now, because when you’re married…blah blah blah”.  I learned to trust myself and to just say no to unhelpful comments and advice even if it made the other person or me uncomfortable to do so.

Even though my little man isn’t out in the world yet, I am already his mom and I will do or say anything I need to in order to protect myself and him.  It may sound a little extreme to say that I need to protect myself from negative advice as if it were an actual threat, but what God showed me is that it is an actual threat.  It is a threat to my thought life that I need to be fiercely guarding.  As someone who has struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my life, I do need to treat negative thoughts and unhelpful words as a threat to all the hard work that God and I have done to gain back the ground that had been covered in darkness.  In Philippians 4:8 Paul writes: ”Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things”.  Instead of focusing on things I can’t control, I focus on living in the moment.  When my little man kicks, I stop and I put my hand on my belly and I live in this moment I’ve been gifted where I get to feel his little body moving inside me.  What a miracle!!  I don’t want to miss these moments by living in a scary future in my mind that will most likely not come to pass.

What I realized is that my story is mine and it won’t be like anyone else’s.  Sure, there are many things that are similar about pregnancy and labor and we mom’s can learn from each other, but when you are pregnant the most important thing to learn is that you were made to do this and you CAN DO IT no matter how you decide to do it or what obstacles may come your way!  You are in charge of the information you want to learn about pregnancy and childbirth and you have the right to say no to unhelpful, negative, cynical, sarcastic, or harmful information that makes you feel scared or overwhelmed.

When we guard our hearts, we are also guarding the well-being and growth of our babies who are physically and spiritually connected to us.  Along these same lines, I have limited the information I have decided to read or take in regarding pregnancy and childbirth.  There were so many different opinions and so much information out there that my head would spin and the overwhelming thoughts of a future I can’t control became too much to bear.  It’s okay to listen to yourself when you feel like you are experiencing information overload.  Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time, but the society we live in now wants us to feel like pregnancy is horrible and just a time to rush through and labor should be feared and this just didn’t sit right with me at all.  I thank God that He has helped me to stand strong in what I feel is right for me, my baby, and my family and I ask that all the mommies and daddies out there that have been through pregnancy and labor please be wise about what you share with whom and when.  Unless someone specifically asks you for your opinion or your story, please remember that people experiencing something totally new have tender hearts and minds and need encouragement more than preparation.

Each day, no matter what has come my way, has been a gift whether I realized it at the time or not.  I look back to the day Tony and I looked at the positive pregnancy test with our jaws on the ground and since then each day has been full of opportunities for change, restoration, healing, growth, refinement, and immense joy.  Pregnancy can legitimately be very difficult for some moms to no fault of their own, but it was not designed as a punishment or a thing to make you suffer.  Labor is clearly not a walk in the park, but it is not something to fear.  Every moment is perfectly designed just for you as a gift from your Daddy who loves you.  Even the days you can’t get out of bed you are learning and growing.  God has done so much in mine and Tony’s hearts and our marriage as well over these months and I know that there was no other way to get here but through the new life of our little man.

As I approach the last days and weeks of my pregnancy I can say with all honesty that I have loved being pregnant.  Just because I love it doesn’t mean that everyday is like skipping through fields of Skittles and puppies (Mmmmm Skittles! I wants!).  But something doesn’t have to be effortless and easy for you to love it.  In fact, when you think about it, the situations and people you love the most are the ones that you work for, sacrifice for, and work through the tough times.

I wanted to share these thoughts with you because I am so proud of what God, Tony, baby boy, and I have accomplished over these months of growth and we are just getting started.  The path I am walking now is where the story of my life and the story of my son’s life meet.  As we travel together for as long as God sees fit I will continue to see each step as a blessing and a chance for growth for our whole family.  I won’t let the world tell me that my little one will ruin my life or be an inconvenience.  Again, this won’t be easy and some days I will fail, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t work to keep that perspective. I pray that you are encouraged whether you are pregnant or not.  We are all “pregnant” with something at some point in our lives.  We all get the opportunity to give birth, whether it be dreams or babies.

My advice is simply to not let what anyone else says or does allow fear into what God is doing for you and the unique purpose of your life.

Love,

Mama Bear Katie

I believe that our Daddy loves us and trusts us so much that He gives us choices that are all one way or another in His will. There are times that He grabs our hands and leads us. Others that He snatches us from the snares and drop offs. And then there are the times that He turns around and watches us stand at the crossroads that all lead to Him and He lets us decide which way we desire to go.

The closer we are to Him, the more confidence we have to take the road less traveled.

Although God told me to quit my job in faith a few times, it most certainly hasn’t been how He’s guided me every time I’ve felt unhappy with my job or anything else in life. There have been times that I have felt dissatisfied and wanted to quit or give up only to hear from Him that it wasn’t time. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows that I need to build my perseverance through tough situations. It’s more important to Him that I be refined and made more Christlike than it is how happy I feel in the moment. There aren’t many people out there who don’t kick at the goads a bit when they know they are going to have to change. We are quick to run away from any situation that seems too big or too scary. God knows that about us. We always look for the easiest way; the path of least resistance. And even though He knows that about us, He doesn’t give up. He continues to give us situations that grow our character.

There are times we are to persevere and then there are times where He does want us to get out; and move quickly. There isn’t time to doubt and worry. There is only time to move forward in faith. So many times I’ve stayed way longer in places or situations than I should have and I paid the consequences for it.
We may have choices as to which way we go, but every choice has a consequence.

It’s hard to know which is the right way sometimes. God doesn’t tend to make things black and white. The closer I get to God the more comfortable I get with living in the gray areas of life. Not having a list of right and wrong answers draws us closer to the Holy Spirit to guide us. I may not always know that what I am doing is the right thing, but I do know that even if I am wrong and I fail, my Daddy never leaves me and never stops loving me. If you are stuck in indecision, sometimes the best thing you can do is just decide on something and go for it with all you got. You might be wrong, but either way you’ll have grown in your relationship with God. You will learn His voice of confirmation, or you will learn His voice of correction. Both of them are healing and life changing.

Learning His voice and growing closer to Him is worth the risk of failing and falling. And when you learn that you hear His voice and you can trust Him, your faith will flourish and mature.

People have written me and asked me if they should quit their jobs or they’ve already quit their jobs and are wondering if they should wait for the perfect job even if it takes years to find. The truth is….I don’t have any idea what you should do. I would love to tell you what to do because that is one of my top five favorite things ever, but the truth is that you need to ask your Daddy and let Him guide you.

Whether you stay where you are in faith, or you head out into the wild blue yonder in faith, see that no matter what…He is good.

Loves,

Katie “Trailblazer” Alicea

Duck Butts!

Hello friends! It’s well past time for an update!

Today I’m going to tell a story about a duck named Thelma and how God spoke to me through her. (Hey, He can speak through a donkey, why not a duck?!….or a dog?)

Tony and I live in a beautiful little community in Pompano Beach, FL. Although it is full of condos, this is still considered a nature preserve and so there are all kinds of ducks, cranes, birds, turtles, lizards, and apparently somewhere out there lurks an alligator.

One day as I was getting out of my car, I saw something move in the bushes that line the curb beside my parking space. I peered through the branches to see it was a beautiful duck, and she was sitting on a nest. I’m sure it’s no surprise to you at all that I talked to her and named her.

She looks like a Thelma. Trust me.

I ran inside the apartment and excitedly exclaimed, “Tony!! Guess what!?”

“Um, you won the lottery? You met Ryan Gosling? Whitney is off the air?, ” he guessed as a smile spread across his face.

“No!! BETTER!!! There’s a duck in the bush beside my car!”

Okay, so maybe I’m a bit prone to overexcitement.

Before I tell you more about Thelma, let me switch gears and tell you what was going on in my heart around this time. After a few months at my job, I realized this was not what I wanted to do forever. I couldn’t quite understand at the time why I was feeling this way. Clearly God had lined this job up for me. If that was true, then why was I feeling like it didn’t quite fit?

God had begun stirring something in my heart before I left my job in DC, and I haven’t been able shake it. He hasn’t been specific about what this thing will look like. He hasn’t told me where I will be and what I will be doing. I’ve just known that I will know when I know…ya know!?

So when I met Thelma, I was at a place of knowing that this job wasn’t for me, but not knowing what to do about it. I had just gone through a few pretty huge transitions. I had moved away from my family and friends. I had just gotten married. Tony had just started a new job that was part time. We are in need of a new car (sadly, my Jeep is in the death throws). It didn’t seem like good time to tell my husband I wasn’t happy at my job.

So for awhile I didn’t say anything. I thought that it was just me struggling with the transition.

Every morning on my way to my car and every evening on my way in from work I would stop and look in on Thelma and say hello. I felt a kinship with this little duck. I felt like I understood what it was like to sacrifice yourself for what was to come later. I understood how it feels to protect a delicate, precious future promise. I have laid down my dreams, covered them, and waited for the day that my waiting and wanting would end.

As the other mama ducks waddled around the property with their baby ducks in toe, I would see Thelma patiently sitting on her nest. Time kept passing. The other baby ducks were getting older, but no babies for Thelma. Not yet.

I finally told Tony how I was feeling about my job. He was totally understanding and supportive and told me that it was time to move on. The one question he asked me was, “what do you want to do?”. I felt weird at the time telling him that I didn’t know, but that I would know it when I saw it.

The very next day, after we had decided it was time to look for something new, Tony talked to some of his friends to see if they knew of anything. One of Tony’s friends told him about a job opening where he works and would be happy to talk to me about it if I was interested. As Tony told me a vague description of the job, I knew already in my heart that this was it.

The very next day after our decision that I needed to look for a new opportunity, I knew I had found my new job.

I don’t think Tony would mind if I tell you that he thought I was jumping the gun a bit. I didn’t even really know much about the job or even the organization. He thought I might just be anxious to leave and was putting all my eggs in the first basket I found.

I talked with Tony’s friend, sent him my resume, and waited.

A few days later I get an email inviting me for an interview. I was SO excited! I couldn’t believe how quickly things were moving and working out!

The only issue was that I couldn’t leave my job yet. My office was short staffed and there was no way I could leave until the office manager came back, and she wouldn’t be back for at least another month and a half.

I replied that I was interested in setting up the interview (it couldn’t hurt to interview, right!?), but only got a reply a week later that interviews were on hold and they would contact me later to set up an interview time. At first I was disappointed. Tony advised me to start looking for other jobs in the area, but I told him that I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I knew that even if this job didn’t work out, God was going to open the door Himself and all I had to do was wait. I think that made Tony a little nervous, but I assured him that this is how God and I roll. I stopped striving a while ago and I wasn’t going to pick it back up no matter how unsure the future looked.

What do ducks think about while they sit on their eggs all day and wait?

That is one of the many questions I had for Thelma, but she didn’t answer me. Time kept ticking on. More baby ducklings hatched by other ducky mamas, but Thelma was still waiting. If ducks could make expressions I would say she was getting a little impatient. The rainy season had begun a few weeks back and it pained me to think of Thelma sitting in the rain while lightening streaked the sky above her. As if the waiting wasn’t bad enough. Now she’s stuck in the rain.

Work was becoming more and more stressful for me. I felt like I was stuck in the rain too. I didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I knew it was time to go. Tony and I had decided that I was going to leave whether I got this job or not. This was a huge leap of faith, but for some reason we weren’t worried about it.

A few days before my office manager returned to work, I got an email to set up my interview. Isn’t God’s timing perfect!? I scheduled the interview and waited on God to tell me what to do next.

This may sound a bit crazy, but I knew that it would be time to quit my job as soon as Thelma’s eggs hatched.

A week after my office manager got back to the office after being gone for a few months, Thelma’s eggs hatched.

I gave my notice the next day.

I don’t know which one I was more excited about…giving my notice or seeing Thelma’s 21 ducklings. That’s right…twenty one!!! I counted them myself. The average hatching is around 9 to 14 duckings.

One evening when I came home from work, I saw Thelma and her clan waddling through the front yard of our building. There was a lady standing there watching them and I struck up a conversation with her. She told me that she had lived in the community for about 10 years and had loved watching the ducks and their hatchlings. She told me she couldn’t believe that this duck had so many ducklings; she had never seen one have that many. I know it sounds so strange, but I felt so proud of Thelma and her sacrifice. She may have been the one to wait the longest for her promise, but she got more babies duckies for her troubles. I know she’s a duck and she was just doing what ducks do, but it was miraculous to me none-the-less.

Everyone at my job was so super supportive and understanding. I left there knowing that God had done something very important in me and through me with this position.

I also left not knowing whether or not I was going to have a job.

After a couple of awesome interviews, I was offered the job!!

You’re now looking at (or more accurately: reading the words of) the Relationship Manager/Assistant to the President of OneHope (check out their website to find out what they are all about)!!

Another leap of faith and another opportunity to see that God is faithful.

Thelma and her ducklings have moved on from my building, but sometimes I get the opportunity to see them. Some mornings as I look out my window that over looks the water, I see her and her little ones walking along the waters edge. I miss seeing her in the bushes by my car, but you can’t sit and wait forever. She can’t stay at the nest while her babies run about. When the promise comes, it’s time to leave the nest and experience the gift of all that waiting.

I’m ready to leave the nest as well. I’ve learned so much in the waiting, but it’s time to get excited about stepping into my next adventure!

Don’t give up on your dreams or desires. Sometimes there will be a detour. Sometimes you will have to lay them down and wait. But know that God is faithful to fulfill His promises. He is a good Daddy. When I look back at my older blog posts where I write about leaving DC and what has transpired since then I am totally in awe. If God Himself would have told me that I would meet my future husband, move to Florida, and meet so many amazing new people I don’t think I would have believed Him. This transition hasn’t been easy, but I wouldn’t take a moment of it back. If you want to really live you have to be willing to step out into the unknown and risk failing, falling, and being wrong. Looking back over my life, it’s within my scariest, most unsure moments that I have grown the most. I draw closest to Jesus in that place. And the closer to Him the better.

It’s good to be writing again.

I missed you all.

Loves,

Katie Alicea

A pic from the first time we met in 2011

One year ago today I saw my future husband’s face for the first time. Even though we had only talked a few times on the phone, he asked me to be his Valentine. So forward! I loved it.

When his face appeared on my computer screen I knew I was in trouble. Oh….that smile.

It’s been a whirl wind since then. Skype, emails, phone calls, flying to and from for only a few days in the same location, moving to FL, getting engaged, getting married 3 months later, moving into our own place. It’s been fast and it’s been AMAZING.

We’ve been married for 4 short months now and I feel like it was years ago that our romance began.

I love lists, so I thought I would write a list of the things that I’ve learned and loved over this short amount of time that I’ve been with my man:

1. I love that Tony does the dishes, picks up around our place and gets it all tidy, and makes the bed every day. I don’t even have to ask him to do it. It’s just done. When I was single I didn’t know I would love something like this so much, but now that I have someone else sharing a living space with me and I don’t have to do it all by myself, I notice it and I love it!

2. Tony thinks I’m cute and funny. He laughs at me when I pretend to be a small animal and burrow into his chest. He looks at me like I’m crazy when I start doing my Liz Lemon/Elaine dance to the music in my head. He thinks it’s adorable that all of my impersonations sound like Ray Ramono or Kermit the Frog. Sometimes we just sit and make faces at each other. Something we started doing over Skype when we got to hour 4 and were too tired to talk anymore. If there is something funny to be found in something. We will find it. We’re goofy. We play. We laugh. I love this about us. My prayer is that we laugh forever. God is Joy!

3. This man has the listening power of a voice recorder. Not a peep, ya’ll. He listens. Even when I wish he didn’t. He does. He remembers everything that is important to me. He remembers all of the things that hurt or upset me. He listens to me talk and talk for hours and doesn’t get annoyed. I don’t know how he does it. I tell him everything. Every. Thing. Maybe it’s not supposed to be that way. Maybe there are convos best left to my girlfiriends or strangers in line at Target, but I can’t help but tell him my thoughts. It’s a combination of knowing that he cares and also wanting him to know me better. One day when we have a house full of little people we may not have all the time to talk like we do now; so I’m taking advantage.

4. I love listening to him. I know, it’s hard to believe that with all my talking that I would find time to listen, but I do. I LOVE his thoughts, ideas, dreams, feelings, jokes, and puns…I even love it when he makes fart noises with his mouth. It’s in our talking with each other that we see more and more what God is doing in our lives or wants to do in our lives. Tony and I may come from different angles and in different ways, but..we have the same goal…God’s glory. The more I hear him talk about what he’s learned or what excites and fires him up, the more I love him.

5. He is so warm all the time. Jacob Black ain’t got nothin’ on Tony Alicea. Every time I hug him, I say, “You’re waaaarm!” It’s just awesome.

6. He is an amazing cook! When we first got married, both of us were like, um, we don’t know how to cook. And then there was Pinterest and Food Network.com. We have been cooking up a storm for each other over these last couple of months. We have two different cooking styles. Tony follows the cooking directions to a tee; including using fresh ingredients. I can’t follow a recipe exactly to save my life. I have to change it in some way. Interesting, huh!?

7. He loves me. When I hurt, he hurts. When I’m happy, he’s happy. He longs to please me and make me smile. He listens to my needs and is careful with my heart. When I mess up or act like a 5 year old, he forgives me. He loves my attention and affection. He misses me when I’m not around. He says awesome things about me all the time. His love makes me want to be a better person. Isn’t that exactly what it should do? He is patient, he is kind, he doesn’t brag when he’s right and I’m wrong, he doesn’t get jealous, he doesn’t act arrogantly, he nevers dishonors me, he isn’t quick to anger, he doesn’t keep a record of all the wrongs I’ve done, he always protects me, always trusts me, always has hope in me, and always perseveres through the rough places. He is my husband and I am so proud to be his wife.

There are so many more reasons I love my husband, but some of those would be inappropriate to list, so we’ll leave it at that.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my amazingly awesome husband, Tony! May the rest of our days be filled with love, light, joy, and unicorn farts*!

*He knows what that means. And he thinks it’s adorable.

Loves,

Katie Alicea

1. Black Friday shopping. Anywhere. Anytime. Never. Just never, ever.
1a. Wal*Mart. Where every day is Black Friday.

2. The dentist. I know…unlike black Friday shopping, the dentist really isn’t something you should avoid. Teeth are super important. They are used for smiling, and chewing, and biting people while they sleep. I get it. And before you start in with the jokes about WV people not having teeth and I have to attack you with lightening fast ninja moves (while wearing cowboy boots), let me just say that I still force myself to go to the dentist; albeit not as often as I should. But seriously, can I get an Amen! about how super horrible it is to sit through minutes upon minutes of that drill sound whilst having a deep heart-to-heart with your hygienist even though your mouth is wide open and you’re drooling on yourself?

3. The DMV. I don’t need to elaborate here.

It’s not against the law to skip out on black Friday shopping, and thankfully, even the dentist. However, it’s required by law that you get a new driver’s license when you move and/or change your name. Seeing as how I recently did both of those things, I had to make a date with destiny and get thyself down to the DMV. Did I wait waaaay longer than I should have? Yes. Yes I did. But just like taxes and death, you can’t avoid the DMV.

Every single time I’ve gone to the DMV it’s been the same cliche experience. The people that work there are rude and the people waiting are rude. Everyone is angry, in a hurry, has some sort of oozing bodily injury, contagious skin disease, or uncontrollable cough, and is most likely talking loudly on their cell phone about how rude and gross everyone is. I’m pretty sure you’ve probably encountered some version of the same thing.

So as I was getting all 21 of my documents prepared that prove who I am and where I live, I was not-so-much looking forward to yet another DMV experience. Even though I “made an appointment”, I planned to be there for hours. I figured the whole “appointment” thing was really just another device the DMV utilizes in order to torture you slowly by giving you hope of faster service and then making you wait even longer for thinking you were worthy of such special treatment.

Basically, I was preparing for the worst. (I should really learn to take my own advice. Bad Katie.)

When I got to the DMV, carting my portfolio of documents, there was already a long line. I made a quick scan of the area and found that the environment appeared worse than I had expected. Grey, cracked walls. Crusty white floors. People sitting in metal folding chairs. The faint smell of stale air, old french fries, and disappointment. I looked for the sign that said, “Come over here if you have an appointment! We have peanut butter fudge, bear hugs, and unicorn rides!”, but I didn’t see it. There were children running around with only a diaper on. Customers yelling through the tiny hole in the plexyglass window at the exasperated young lady in charge of parking tickets. It wasn’t pretty, ya’ll.

It was so DMV.

As I stood in line awaiting my turn with the disinterested front desk person, something happened.

God showed up.

He tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I would mind if He joined me this morning at the DMV.

Of course I said yes, but I couldn’t help but ask Him why in the world He would want to hang out in such a yucky place.

His reply to me changed the entire atmosphere in the blink of an eye.

He wondered aloud to me exactly what I thought He meant when He told me recently that He wants me to “leave the sidelines and get in the game”. Did I not understand that everywhere I go, especially to places like the DMV, there are people He wants to touch, heal, and love? Did I think my commission had hours like an office job, where I clock in and out?

Oh man, did I feel convicted.

As we talked, I began to see people differently. I looked past my precepts and saw PEOPLE. People just like me. For just a moment, He showed me each person through His eyes. The people I first saw as rude, sick, and weird, looked beautiful to me all-of-a-sudden.

I didn’t expect it, or even ask for it, but I felt God’s Holy Spirit fill the room…

And that’s when the miracle happened.

I looked around me and I saw smiles and laughter. The gray walls were more of a light blue. The lines weren’t quite as long as they seemed before. I don’t know if the people changed or the way I saw them changed…or both….but everything looked different.

Because I saw things differently, I behaved differently.

I was friendlier. I was more engaging with those around me. I acknowledged the people that worked there and thanked them helping me. I made eye contact, said hello, and smiled at people…yes….even at the DMV.

The DMV became beautiful.

I looked out into the sea of people from all walks of life and I thanked God for the opportunity to hang out with Him there. He was a proud Father showing off His children. Every. single. person. in that place was His special creation. He longed to touch them. Hold them. Comfort them. Heal them. LOVE them. He showed me that as bad as I think it is at the DMV, some people leave the gray walls of this place to return to something much worse. Everywhere they turn they encounter nothing but ugliness and pain. No one looks at them. No one sees them. No one says hello. They are passed over by the world. Cast aside as worthless or trash. That little girl running around in her diaper might get the only attention she is going to get all day from the people at the DMV.

While I was waiting for my new drivers license to print, I started chatting with the lady sitting next to me. She said to me, “Has this not been a wonderful experience? I mean, it’s incredible! I’ve never had such an amazing experience at the DMV and I’ve made sure to tell everyone here just how much I appreciate what a great job they’re doing.” Then the guy in front of me turned around and said the same thing. A guy in the row beside us heard what we were saying and he agreed as well. The people that worked there were smiling and dancing to the piped-in music from the radio. “Thank yous” were heard every where I went. People were happy and so was I!

Listen ya’ll, when Jesus shows up, things change.

Could He have shown up with someone else yesterday? Sure! But He asked ME.

What if I would have ignored Him as I sometimes do?

It’s easier to keep to ourselves as we go from place to place throughout our day. It’s easier to say that the DMV is just destined to be a miserable, dark place. When God taps on our shoulder and asks if we mind if He joins us everywhere we go, we can say no-thank-you so that we don’t have to see what He sees, or risk opening our hearts and minds to the hurting world around us. He doesn’t make us touch people and love them. He doesn’t force us.

We need to understand that the job isn’t for someone else. If we don’t do it, it won’t get done. Whether it’s at work, school, the grocery store, church, walking down the street, at Wal*Mart, the dentist’s office, the DMV, with our family, in our marriages, or in our friendships…if we don’t bring Jesus there…who will? Why count on other people to do the job you were given?

My experience yesterday at the DMV changed me. It has inspired me to not only look for Jesus everywhere I go, but to ask Him to come along if He’s not already there.

He’s FUN!

HUGS,

DMV lover

Me being adorable.

My Grammy loves to tell stories about when I was a little girl and I love listening to them.   She tells about how I used to go straight into her closet when I would come to her house, and come out wearing her high heeled shoes.  I would stumble out into the living room to show them off, even though I was barely old enough to walk.  I would request (okay…insist) that she let me wear her silk nightgown as a dress while I sang and danced to her Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra records.  I loved dressing up in her clothes, putting on her Lee Press-On nails (remember those!?), and pretend I was an actress in a movie.  But there is one story she tells that always makes my heart swell because it is such a wonderful example of how children see themselves before life has the chance to tarnish it.

Here’s the story.

When I was around two years old, my Grammy’s brother-in-law died of a heart attack.  The memorial service was held at a venue that had a small stage at the back of the room.  As people milled around, my Grammy suddenly noticed out of the corner of her eye something moving up the stairs of the stage.  She turned to find that it was me in a cute little white dress, climbing onto the stage.  My white dress shoes made clicking noises as I walked to the front of the stage.  A smile she hadn’t made for days slowly spread across her face as she saw me begin to dance and spin.  She tells me that she could look at me and see that I was dancing to a song from somewhere inside me.  As I danced people started to turn and notice.  The more eyes that fell on me, the bigger my smile got and the more I would kick and twirl.

I knew people were watching me and I loved it!  Even though I was a tiny little thing, I knew that my dance was changing the atmosphere.  My parents smiled at me as people gathered around the stage and started clapping and laughing.  I may not have understood death or even life; but even at that age I knew all I needed to know.  My presence, my freedom, my beauty, my dance, my LIFE….changes things.

The cuteness.  It just won’t stop.

As we grow older we start caring what other people think of our dance.  We worry about messing something up or being an inconvenience.  So we stop.  We lock up that free little soul somewhere deep in us where we can’t hear the song anymore and we tell ourselves it better this way.  It’s better to blend in. It’s better to just let things be as they are and not rock the boat. 

I can’t help but ROCK!

It’s the shift from thinking like a child to thinking like an adult that makes it hard for us to know Jesus.  Little kids don’t struggle so much with the idea of God and His being present in our lives.  They believe in things they can’t see or feel.  I remember really and truly believing that the fort my brother and I built out of blankets and couch cushions really was a prison for little brothers that don’t let their sister play with their GI Joes.  I remember not being able to understand why my mom was so horrible at playing Barbies with me.  Piles of pillows were mountains, not piles of pillows.  Barbie and Skipper had an obvious jealousy issue involving Ken’s attention and his affinity for my G.E.M. doll.  Explaining everything that was happening to my mom was so exhausting.  Why couldn’t she just see what I saw?

At some point in life we are all told in some way or another that miracles aren’t real, stop playing, no more make-believe, no one is coming to our rescue, we are average or worse…we are junk, our imagination and visions are crap, dreaming is a waste of time,  we aren’t beautiful, captiving, compelling, strong, desirable, fun, exciting, worthy, there are rules we have to follow to fit in, and so on and so on.  At first, when we’re little,  we don’t believe these lies, but as time goes on and we keep hearing them, we swallow them like a pill and allow the poison to infect us. 

In my own life, I’ve circled back. I’ve purposely and happily regressed back to that little Katie who knew she was necessary and beautiful.  I’ve got my dancing shoes back on, ya’ll! It took me awhile to get here, but the journey has been well worth it.  It’s not so hard to believe in Jesus now that He’s taken all that poison and junk out of my life.  It’s not so hard to see Him in all the places and people I couldn’t see Him before.  The scales have been removed from my eyes.  The hardness is gone.  I know with all that I am that I am an irreplaceable part in what God is doing in the Earth.  Today and forever.  Did you catch that? FOREVER.  The things I do now, effect generations to come.  I am like, really, really important.  And so are you. 

Future preacher right here!!

That day while I danced on the stage and people clapped, smiled, and forgot about the sadness for a moment; they weren’t doing it because of me. Sure I was cute and all, but even though they didn’t realize it, they were actually captivated by God.  He is Beauty. He is Joy. He is Life.  He is Freedom.  There is no death in Him.  There is no pain and sadness in Him.  It was His presence that took their focus off of death and onto Joy! Whether I am 5 years old or 105 years old, anything and everything good and attractive about me is ALL because God’s Holy Spirit lives inside of me.  He wants to use us to show Him to a hurting world.  When we pull back and stand on the sidelines we are robbing the world of our God-given gifts.

Until we stop caring what people think and starting caring about what God desires, we will not be satisfied.  We might eek by.  We might claw through each day and fall into an exhausted heap at the end of the day.  We might be able to convince ourselves life is too hard because it’s Monday, or because our tire went flat, or because we don’t have money to pay the bills, or whatever.  We might be kinda okay as long as we keep a constant stream of distractions coming at us so we don’t hear His voice telling us to get to center stage and dance.  But we won’t be living to our full potential.  We won’t get to experience the true and irrevocable freedom, joy, grace, and love that comes from being in an intimate relationship with our Creator. 

I think you get the picture. (Pun most definitely intended.)

I always wanted to hide my wounds from her because I knew what was coming next.

More pain.

In order to get better, I would have to let her wash it out and then spray it with what I affectionately refer to as liquid fire or Solarcaine for those out there that remember such torture devices.

The more times my mom had to say, “Katie, move your hands and let me see,” the more sprays of Solarcaine it was going to take to properly disinfect my wound. Every time I saw that spray can I would start bargaining with my mom. “No. Not that. Please. Mom. Please, no. There has to be another way.” “Katie do you want your cut to get infected and your leg to fall off (dramatic, yet effective)?” “YES!! I would prefer loss of limb over getting sprayed with your devil fire (I didn’t actually say this, because I was too young to be quite so witty; but, this is my story and I’ll write it how I want to thankyouverymuch). “Fine then, when your leg falls off we’ll have to use a whole can of Solarcaine in order to make you all better. You’re going to have to face it, Kate, so you might as well do it now while the cut is little.”

Words of wisdom from my mom. I didn’t quite care for them back them, but I get it now.

We all have wounds. Some small, some big. In order to heal them, we are going to have to uncover them and let the healing balm come.

This can be painful.

But it’s much less painful than a festering, growing wound that immobilizes us. The bigger the wound gets the longer it takes to heal.

If you’re hurting. Whether it’s a fresh wound or one you’ve had for a long time, there is no better time than now to uncover it and let Jesus heal it.

Let Him see what you’re hiding.

Trust Him with your bumps and bruises.

I’ve only been married for two months, but within this short time I have realized that there were hurts that I was covering and didn’t know they were there until someone got close enough to me to see them. Some of these hurts are things I thought I already dealt with. But some wounds go so deep that you have to heal slowly….one layer at a time. I could have tried to hide these things, but I trust Jesus with my hurts now. I don’t fear His touch. I understand how important it is for my marriage as well as my relationship with God to allow healing to come to me and not to cover up my wounds in shame or fear.

At one time or another we have all been hurt and wounded. It’s God’s will that we be healed, but it has to be our will as well or we will remain injured.

Love,

Katie

The other day I said, “Oh my gosh, lamb gyros are my FAVORITE!” to which Tony replied, “I thought hot dogs were your favorite?!”

“No, pizza is my favorite.”

“Wait, what!? How can you have three favorites!?”

“Because…they are all so delicious in their own special way. Now let’s go get some ice cream. It’s my favorite…”

Several times in the Gospel of John and a few other places in scripture we are introduced to someone who claims to be “the disciple whom Jesus loved”. Scholars and theologians debate as to who exactly this person is, but most believe him to be John the Baptist. No matter who it is, it can be a little confusing to hear that Jesus had a favorite because in Romans 2:11 we are told that God does not show favoritism.

After the lamb gyro incident, I think I kinda understand; as much as one can understand something so complex and deep.

You see, I truly do love pizza, hot dogs, and lamb gyros all the same. When someone asks me, I have a hard time listing my favorite movie, color, song, TV show, etc. It’s not because I don’t know who I am or what I like. It’s that I can see the beauty and awesomeness in so many different things.

I can’t choose a favorite food and Jesus doesn’t choose a favorite disciple.

John calls himself the disciple that Jesus loves because he knows his identity. He knows who he is in relation to Christ. He knows that he is “fearfully and wonderfully made” by a God that created no one else like him in the history of the world (Psalms 139:14). John is the disciple that reclines on Jesus while sitting at the table for the last supper. I mean, this guy really felt comfortable with Jesus. Why didn’t the rest of the disciples refer to themselves as “the disciple that Jesus loves”? Could it be that they didn’t realize who they are?

Parents love each of their children with all of their heart. How can they do this? It’s because each child is unique and requires a unique love.

God’s love for me is unlike His love for anyone else. No one else can be me. No one else can fulfill my purposes.

Jesus tells us that John the Baptist is the greatest man to ever live in our world. BUT, then He says that the least in the kingdom of Heaven is greater than him.

I am the disciple that Jesus loves.

We all are.

Love,

Katie “Gimme a hot dog” Alicea